It was a first for me to be called a 'freaking liar' by one of my close friends and though I may be convincing myself that she meant it in the joking manner, it still hurts. Technically, what I said wasn't a lie. I mean, come on, how is 'jia you~~ It's the last lap!' a lie? Unless you are in denial, thinking that A levels are not coming up. Recently, I've been feeling like you treat me like crap and truthfully speaking I'm tired. Tired of your endless complaints like you are the only one in the world who is suffering from not doing well from prelims. Seriously, there are others who are not in great shape either so instead of moping around, why not brush yourself up and fight the last part with whatever you got? I tried to tell you, encourage you to not give up but you simply give up. Sure, I see you putting in the effort to brush up but to forsake one subject as well? Telling me that you need someone to force you and you have no idea where to start, I gave you a starting point but you simply brush it off with a sigh. Why not you tell me what to do next? Help you? I think you need to recognise that you have to help yourself first before others can help you.

I gave you whatever help I could but you wouldn't even open the book to practice. What do you expect me to do next? Whenever I gave you encouragement or try to change your pessimistic views, all I get is a 'You rubbish' or 'stop it kay'. So I'm back to square one. What in the world do you want me to tell you? Go ahead, fail. Yeah, you are so screwed. You can go screw physics as well. Heck, just drop out. Seriously, do I look like that kind of person who will heartlessly say those words to you? You have no idea how much I want to help you pass and do well but the way you are treating me just isn't it. Everytime you will get me to follow your ways no matter what I feel about it. I try and tell you what I really want to tell you but you make it hard. If it's not what you want to hear, oh yeah, sure, ignore me and throw a tantrum whenever you want and keep looking at your phone too. It'll help. I'm tired of being a 'replacement' to you where you come to me because I'll follow whatever you suggest. That makes me feel like a freaking pushover and that I can't speak up for myself. Everytime I try, I keep telling myself next time it'll be different or this is just temporary but I'm running out of next time's. I reall have no idea what my next step is or what to tell you next.

If you think that the whole world is turning against you, let me say this first, it was you who turned against the world. I give up. Your stubborn, impulsive mannerism has finally broke my last thread of patience and I'm gonna leave it as it is. I'm not going to be the one who says sorry. Not this time.

It has definitely been a long while. To the point where i can't even recognise the layout for blogger. Haha. The other day I actually had a friend asking me if I ever had a blog. I actually told her I did and showed it to her. She did call me old fashion but hey, I'm a diary kind of person. Haha. That got me thinking that I haven't typed anything in here for a while, so I decided to bring it back to life today. :D

I don't really know where to start but let's start with the basics first? Today was kinda exciting, given that my brother actually experienced a flat tyre while he was driving today and believe me when I say the hole was big. Haha. He is probably going to remember this day for life. Okay, I think I have kinda warmed up and my thoughts are finally flowing to me. :D

Anyway, A's are just round the corner and honestly I don't feel prepared. Then again, who does? My sis just ended PSLE and like her, I really do have the urge to party too. :'( But I really have to focus and get my stuff together. There have been countless times when I wished I was back in Secondary school where things weren't as stressful as they are now. Sighpie. But the thought of me having to face A levels no matter how I look at it, gives me the motivation to hang in there and get it over and done with. Seriously, I regret looking forward to coming to JC. Haha, the previous times in secondary school, I can't believe I actually wished for JC life to come ASAP. I'm trying to absorb the fact that I was so naive last time. Oh well, guessed JC life has changed me. Recently, I really feel like I have changed, not really sure in which aspect but I definitely took a step away from myself and became someone different. Hopefully, it doesn't become too drastic. Heh.

Well, Monday there is an upcoming Econs mock exam and I haven't studied. Screwed. I'm miraculously hoping that I am able to finish the entire H1 Econs syllabus by tomorrow night. Haha. Talking about that, Vettel got Pole again! HAH. I'M SO PROUD OF HIM! Really wish I could fly to Japan now to support him but I really lack the funds. I am actually planning to save up and but a grandstand ticket to watch him next year. And my parents called me nuts but it's a once in a life time chance for me to see him stand at the the podium, LIVE!!! I really hope he wins tomorrow and he will be 3 time world champion! GAH.

Okay, gonna end it here.

In this one month, I'm gonna prove to myself:
The sky is my limit.

My little book of inspiration to study!!!!

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always some reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day

I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
Let me be empty
Oh and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear

You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting
Keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack

It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness
Oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees

In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear

You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here


"Angel" - Sarah McLachlan

It really has been a very long while since I posted in this blog of mine. :) Really thinking back now, this blog has been with me since 2006? or longer? Hahaha. I think every year before it ends I always say that this started from a group of friends wanting to share a blog, thinking it's the new "facebook" kind of thing. In 2006, there wasn't any facebook, so blogging was like the "in" thing? A few years down the road, the group of friends broke but didn't lose contact, just weren't as close as before, and facebook came up. Heh. Guess I'm old fashioned eh? Never ever got used to facebook and never will. I think good old blogger here will be the closest I get to sharing my personal life on the net. :)

I actually wanted to post 365 things that brought me much joy, happiness and other emotions for 2011 but I never did got round to it. Haha. So I made a resolution of trying to post 1 happy thing per day for 2012! (Not happening, I know myself best.) Anyway, hard to believe that I have just survived  a year in JC! This year has definitely had its ups and downs but it really taught me a lot I guess?

Only recently did I realise that I was clinging so tightly to the present that I did not want to change. Held so tightly to my friends which I did not want to let go and that made me distant to others. Before I knew it, I had this facade of being someone who just smiles and agrees and just close up. I kept searching for that same bonds which I treasured in Secondary school and of course things didn't work out. Surprising how it took me until now to realise that people are different and letting go of the past does make a difference. That is where my weakness is when it comes to new surroundings I guess.

It's nice to be able to meet up with close friends again throughout the year though I did lose some. You know its those that were really easy  to approach, easy to confide in, easy to trust which are able to severe all ties and turn the other way. Its one thing if you want to keep secrets but its another if you lie persistently and proclaim what's really happening on facebook. It sucks to read the truth online than to hear it from you. But you'll never know this cause you will never read this and sometimes I wonder how much of the stuff you shared with me were truths and how much were just false hope to lead me into believing there was a non existent bond between me and you.

I should be kinda happy to have a blog, since not many people use it anymore and only really close friends read this blog of mine. I can happily say that this is the only website where I get to enjoy privacy on the net. :) This has got to be the longest post I have ever posted so far. Haha. In a long while. I don't really know what to type anymore. So I shall end with this.

To those who still read my blog and those whom I know checks my blog,
thank you from the bottom of my heart. :) It's really nice to know that you are reading and check my blog to remind me that I haven't posted or that my blog is dead. Haha. We do meet up regularly but not frequent enough. Haha. Just to let you know,

I miss you a lot and love you even more. :)

Been a long while since I last posted. :/
My days have been packed to the brim. With pw and chinese round the corner, I've been sleeping at like 11.30, midnight even on some nights. As a result, I'm down with cold and cough. It always happens to me when I have insufficient sleep or am too stressed. Haha. I think this side of me is a very bad thing. The previous nights I haven't been sleeping well too. Dreaming about weird stuff. Most of the time being school work though. I have never dreamt so much of school in my entire life. Maybe its a sign to show me how stress I actually am.

Tonight is one of the nights again where I am cramming pw. Though I have another girl working with me and I am glad for it, sometimes it's hard to communicate cause half the time I don't really understand what it is she wants nor what exactly she plans to do. Coming so close to the dealine she wants to export everything into a pdf which i think may not be a good idea but oh well, we'll see. I just pray we can make it to the deadline.

Another 40 mins time...

SCANDAL <3

Hahaha. Scandal is officially my first favourite jap band which I'm hooked and crazy over in just two days after buying their new album!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhh!!! And what sucks is that they are holding a concert live either tonight or tomorrow night!!!!!! Why did I wait so long to buy their album!!!!! Gah! If there was some big sign with neon lights flashing to tell me that they are coming for a concert, I'll buy them to go!!!!!!!! Sigh.

Anyway, quite cool, I'm posting this using the new blogger app. Much more convenient!!!! Hahaha.

If you can hear me, I'm not perfect
I'm not always working hard, always following what you say, always trying to be who you want me to be.
When can i start to be who i want myself to be?
I am trying my best to encourage, cheer up, listening.
That's the thing i am always the listener.
I do have my problems as well. So what? I get to listen to you and should always be the one listening?
Fuck this.

Been a long while since I posted a proper post! :D Guess JC life was busier than I expected it to be.

Well, a lot of time has passed since I took off my blue and white uniform. And, a lot of things have happened since then. I guess it's right to say that time heals everything. Everything heals it is just a matter of how long. I am starting to feel okay in school(?)

Unsure about that point because somedays I feel that everything is how its meant to be and next, everything just goes down hill. Classic example was yesterday and how my Chem teacher pissed me off AGAIN. What was I expecting when I chose to become the chem rep? Definitely not the kind of crap treatment I get. Its one thing to deal with the chem teacher, another to deal with a useless bunch of childish, ignorant, imbeciles.

Today was SL day. Went house cleaning at tp. Really miss that area. Met at the interchange and I am surrounded by girls in blue and white uniforms. It was nostalgic. To think that we are here now, far apart and hardly seeing each other. Well, its officially another week before I say goodbye to 2 people who are very close to my heart. I am really dreading next week. I do not want it to come. At. All.

It's painful enough to say goodbye to one, let alone two. It's fast. Too fast. This is my first time thinking, why is life THAT unfair? We planned to go to this JC togehter, we planned to go on trips after we graduated, we planned to party like crap when A's ended. That was the problem. Planned. You can't really plan much in life cause life itself is unexpected and this is the time where I wish I could stop time. But I guess, that isn't happening.

What can you do when your good isn't good enough
When all that you touch tumbles down

Physics. Screw you.
Really not meant to do physics.

Freaking attitude problem.
What the fuck is wrong with you?

Its the last week of hols!!!!!!! Time sure flies by... It feels like it's the second week only especially sInce I was away for the first two weeks. Hahaha. Well, sad thing is that I've finally caught up with the latest epi of naruto!!!!!! Which means that I have to wait for a week before the next episode comes out!!!! Gahhhhhh.... I lack the patience for it. Especially since exams are coming up, I don't think I can watch every week though it sounds tempting!!!!! And I found a new anime!!!!! Hahahahaha. I am so killing myself for CTs.

Anyway, I've been finding the motivation to study cause since O's ended, I really had no idea what to study for next. During Sec 3 and 4, I motivated myself by telling myself that I will study hard to make my grandmother proud and not regret doing badly like in PSLE. that made me study damn hard. But after that, I'm asking myself, what's next? Yesterday, I finally got it. Haha. I'm gonna study hard and make it into a local Uni for both my brother's sake and mine. Since he can't get onto a local Uni, I'll do it for him. Then my sis can seek for help in either Uni she goes to, private or local. Haha. Kinda pathetic right? But it makes sense to me. So I'm gonna slam the A's with this dream of mine of attending a local uni, doing what I love cause I made it there with my hard work. :D

It really has been a while since i posted here. More than a month. Hahaha.
Well, a lot of things have been happening. Some good and some bad. Somehow this is like Sec 1 all over again. Where you notice that people aren't really the same as you thought they would be. I guess I have sort of changed? I can't tell. Who am I to judge myself?

I feel sad I guess. Can't think of any other ways to get my point across. Sometimes I think, are you really the same person I met years ago? Are you still the same kind, cheerful person I knew? Frankly, I have no idea what you are thinking now.

And soon, I've to say goodbye to someone really really special. Who knew we would meet 2 years later after we parted? Who knew you would mean so much to me now? You really brought a smile to my face. I really want you to know that and believe that it is true. But, hey, we got our phones right? That's what I'm trying to convince myself. I think the more I think about it, I may just cry while typing this.

Really wanted to type a long post but this day has really brought me surprises. Hah. If I had a limit to surprises. This is it, it is no wonder I've been having a deep gut feeling that today won't be as great as I thought it would be.

Now, it feels like I'm watching a movie of other people's lives and I'm a calefare here and there, not knowing what to do, what to say. Then again, I'm just feeling this at this moment. Well, I hope tmr (today since it is past midnight) will be better.


The ghost of you is all that I have left,
is all that I have left of you.

First and last time I'm ever gonna work with guys.
Seriously.

I shared something quite personal with someone I least expect I would. I guess things have really changed since I first started JC. Found out what people were really like. Both good and bad.

Anyway, I was sharing my not so sweet past with someone. And it really brought back memories. Haha. I was suddenly thinking about a very dear childhood friend of mine and come to think of it. I have never ever told anyone about this before. Haha, guess it's time for me to say it out, or type it out in this case.

So, as some may know I have a park near my house. When I was about 7 I used to go there with my bro and met some really nice people. :D One of them was him. :D He was really nice and caring. Haha, I remember I used to follow my brother and play with them. But I guess school took over and soon it was just me and the group shrank to just me, him and a few others. Sometimes, but rarely, it'll just be me and him. Haha. I remember walking to his house for the first time, seeing his grandmother and all. I was freaking nervous. It was my 2nd time going to a friend's house without permission too. Haha. After that about a year later, when pokemon was in season. Haha. I brought the whole box of pokemon cards to show the gang. Well, it really wasn't a great idea as everyone just poured everything out and scrambled through it. Leaving me to pack up and the thing was the cards were my brother's. xD So, I was pissed off, dumping everything inside but my dear friend came home with me and sat on the floor to help me pack!! So sweet right? Hahaha. Maybe that's why I remember till now. I remember him telling me some personal stuff that I still remember to date. Haha. But after PSLE, we somehow lost contact. I never did see him again and now when I think about it, it is kinda sad.

I don't even knnow what I'm doing now, typing this out. Haha. Anyway, even though the chances of you reading this is very slim or the slight chance of you remembering my name and actually ever finding this blog of mine and go 'HEY! I KNOW THIS GIRL!' is close to 0, I still am carrying that hope that we can meet again and catch up. Though I vaguely remember your address, you are probably not even there anymore. But I think it'll be quite cool to meet a childhood friend. Haha.

Well, another reason why I'm typing this out is to remind myself that I used to have a great friend when I was young if I ever do forget. Hahaha. Come to think of it, this blog really holds tons of my memories. :D

I guess to sum it all up, I learnt that some friends, no matter how much you desire for them to understand you or be by your side, will have to be let go. So that's what I'm going to do now. I'm letting you go.

Easter. Somehow, this easter weekend will be something that I will remember for the rest of my life.

It starts with thurs I guess. Let's just say I managed to talk with someone close to me after a very long time. At the beginning, I didn't expect things to turn out like this. In fact, I didn't know. But it's fate I guess. If its God's will then let it be. If its not meant for me, then it is not. I shared stuff with her I didn't expect to tell her. I really hope things will go back to the same.

Friday. Good friday. For the first time in my 17 years, I attended my first Good Friday mass. :D It was heartwarming to attend it with a close friend. It was meaningful and I guess my faith took me to a deeper understanding. After that we went to crash the house of a very very dear friend of mine. :D I miss her alot. Then again, I miss my close friends a lot.

Today, I'm gonna end of with the lyrics to a song that touched my heart. It became an inspiration for me to never give up.

Why?- Nicole Nordeman
We rode into town the other day, just me and my Daddy.
He said I’d finally reached that age, and I could ride next to him on a horse that of course was not quite as wide
We heard a crowd of people shouting and so we stopped to find out why
There was that man that my dad said he loved, but today there was fear in his eyes
So I said Daddy why are they screaming?
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why is he dressed in that bright purple robe?
I bet that crown hurts him more than he shows
Daddy please can’t you do something?
He looks as if he’s going to cry
You said he is stronger than all of those guys
Daddy please tell me why, why does everyone want him to die?
Later that day the sky grew cloudy and daddy said I should go inside
Somehow he knew things would get stormy, boy was he right
But I could not keep from wondering if there was something that he had to hide
So after he left I had to find out, I was not afraid of getting lost
So I followed the crowds to a hill where I knew men had been killed
And I heard a voice come from a cross:
And it said : Father why are they screaming.
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why are they casting their lots for my clothes??
This crown of thorns hurts me more than it shows
Father please can’t you do something?
I know that you must hear my cry
I thought I could handle a cross of this size,
Father remind me why, why does everyone want me to die.
When will I understand why?
My precious Son, I hear them screaming.
I’m watching the face of the enemy beaming but soon I will clothe you in robes of my own.
Jesus this hurts me much more than you know
But this dark hour I must do nothing.
I’ve heard your unbearable cry—
the power in your blood destroys all the lies,
soon you’ll see past their unmerciful eyes.
Look there below see the child trembling by her father’s side.
Now I can tell you why, she is why you must die.

Tomorrow is it.
Should I feel happpy or sad?
wakaranai deshou.

Been a while. :D Anyway, yesterday I finally uploaded my pics from my camera into the com!!! So today shall be a post dedicated to pics. In fact I owe the pics to a little someone. Hahaa. Hope she sees it. :D

What are words
If you don't really mean them
when you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, they never go away
They live on
Even when we're gone

Tomorrow is week 3!!!! That's kinda fast actually though last week was really really draining... But I'm looking forward to this week :) I pray really hard that it will go well. I mean I rather be optimistic and bear with it rather than complaning and regretting a choice I made. Anyway this weekend was great!!! No more MSA!!!!!! :DD On sat I went back to school!!! Sighh I really do miss IJ. Walking through the gates no longer being part of a GREAT family. The canteen though it looked familiar, it still felt so far away. I was so tempted to go back to my old classroom, sit at my old seat that was no longer mine. Picture the back row all laughing and drawing retarded maps... I MISS IT ALL. Then before leaving, I bump into Clare and Regina!!!! I really miss them!!!! Clare came and gave me a hug and I really miss that. JC is really hard to receive hugs from people. Mostly cause they don't know me... But it's still kinda sad. I miss her alot!!!! When I said I will tell her when she can come over, she told me after A's. Haha. Well, June hols are coming!!! I really hope we can meet up then :D