It was the first time I tried for an internship. Maybe it was the way I replied her email? Maybe it was the lack of biology knowledge? But whatever the reason was I did not make the cut. It would definitely be a lie if I said it didn't hurt or I don't feel upset. After all, I applied it with a friend. The suckiest thing is that she got in while I didn't. Don't get me wrong, I am not blaming her or swearing at her for getting it. I am truly and deeply happy for her. But it just sucks to know that I can't do it with her and am left on my own to give another internship somewhere another shot. I am definitely jealous that she got it but I didn't but it's a feeling I can't help I guess. I really wanted this. I went through all the effort to get the necessary documents and again and again I bumped into hurdles and I guess it was fate telling me to stop. Of course, the stubborn me refused to listen and tried all means and methods to obtain them. I guess this is one incident that will be written as effort not paid off.

The anticipation of receiving an email to say that I have received it along with time slowly ticking away, it really hit me hard that I really didn't get it. Say I was overconfident, I didn't put in enough effort, all these thoughts can't help but rise to the surface when I start to doubt my position in the internship. After a whole night of endless anticipation, I decided to give it a rest and hopefully the next day will bring good news. Sadly, it only made reality harder and sharper but I guess after you accept it, reality becomes easier to swallow? I know this is a rather small thing to get upset over but thinking how I spent my entire dec trying to find the necessary documents, craft out the proper write up and letters, it's really not fair.

When it comes to things like these, I can't escape from competition I guess, there are people out there who are smarter and more knowledgeable in biology than me. After all, at that point in time, I was as good as applying with 1/2 A lvl knowledge on biology. Who am I kidding. The funny thing is, I am posting my feelings onto a website where anyone hardly reads yet I feel the need to apologise for ranting and feeling upset. I think I learnt something about myself through this whole experience. I really do like to keep my worries and feelings bottled up and do not wish for others to be burdened by my feelings. This habit of mine is really not well.

I really hope that after accepting reality and penning my thoughts down, the feelings will remain here in this post and never bother me again. After this, I will not think about this incident of the past and look forward to reapplying and trying other internships. On the bright side, at least I will have my first summer holidays free to participate in camps and go for a well deserved holiday with my family and research properly for SEP and make sure I do not screw up this time.

After my holiday and burying the past and starting year 2 anew, I will definitely apply for this internship again. With a more knowledgeable me, with a more experienced me and a more hardworking and as determined as ever me. For the internship I am not willing to let go, work hard to become a better future me.


Competition is filled with smarties, they are missing a hardworking skittle.

It has been 2.5 months since uni started and I have to admit, it as not been easy. But on the bright side it is now 4 more weeks till holiday and then exams and lastly my well deserved Dec holiday break! :D In these few months, life definitely has been surprising. Met new people, caught up with old friends, made new friends that I think will last for quite long, felt stressed after 8 long months, tried many new things and definitely studied like hell. This sem I have to say I've been damn reckless with trying new stuff. Haha. Like walking from UTown to Arts in the middle of the night, staying up till 3/4 am just to observe a planet, going to a bar to drink? Guess, I really did or am going to do things I myself would never thought I'd do 4/5 years ago. Haha. It definitely been a fun yet tiring journey.

Quite hard to believe that finals are almost here! About 5 weeks time and I'll be back in the hall sitting for papers. Before I know it, Christmas might come round along with new year and the whole bidding process will begin again. But I will be very glad that the worst is over. (I hope.) Though next sem I'll be chionging 4 core bio mods. Here comes 16 hours of lab a week. Okay, maybe the worst is not over. Hahaha. Back to the present, I am finaly 2/3 way through my WCT! Just submitted paper 2 today. 2 down one more paper to go. Almost there. This could be as bad as PW. Haha. Hopefully, I can come think of an interesting paper topic to get me a B+ or A-. Highly doubt it though, but if I believe in it, half my battle is won, right?

Next week is going to be another hectic week and it will fly by like any other week and I'l be even closer to finals. Then again, faster come faster go right? So singlish yet so true.

Let this week be a great one. :)

a passing

The start of this week hasn't been going extremely well. Heck, I don't even think it can be classified as well. Just 4 years ago, as most of you would know, I attended my grandmother's funeral and that didn't go quite well, mentally at least. And just when I thought that I barely got over it, life throws me another one. This time, I just don't know how to feel anymore. Ask me if I'm sad I'll say yes. Ask me if I'm doing okay I'll say yes. Ask me if I miss her, I'll say yes definitely.  But the thing is the tears won't come. Should I take that as a good or bad sign? I'm not too sure anymore. Somehow to me, it's as if I'm refusing to accept the reality that she's gone.  In the coffin she sleeps oh so peacefully but the make up and stuff make me hard to believe that that is her.

Long gone is her bright blue eyes, lively and awake that though she may forget things that happened barely 1 hour ago, she still knows who you are. And for me, I'm still the little girl who will play cooking with her while she eats my invisible fried rice. The little girl who asked her how to do chinese homework, with her sitting next to me checking her little chinese dictionary to ensure that I got the right words and my essay makes sense. The little girl who slept next to her, asking her how to speak various words in cantonese and asking her what she had for dinner. The little girl who asked her to watch a korean drama with and till this date I still remember those times clearly.

Long gone were those times but the memories remain fresh in my mind,  a simple trigger could result in the flood of memories to come forth but yet no tears will follow. To say I miss her will be an understatement.  I miss her terribly. I think what i regret the most would be not being able to see her a few days let alone a month before she passed on. I miss her cheery greetings every morning when I see her. I miss her smile when she sat at the dining table eating dinner or waiting to be pushed back to the room. I miss her small waves of hello and sudden burst of laughter at our jokes. In all, I miss her. It kinds of scare me to know that most of my grandparents are gone and that all I have left is my granddad.  But I guess life is like that? It's only a matter of time before  it's my siblings and me left.

I guess writing this out does help me sort my feelings out but I think it's mainly to remind me of this day, of my memories with her before I forget what her voice sounded like, what she looked like and what her character was like. Hopefully, her passing becomes my strength and if I do look back at this post, I'll remember how much I've grown and that all along she is watching me from up there.  Protecting me and smiling at me. I guess 19 years with my grandmother was the best thing that could have happened to anyone and I'm grateful for it. But most of all, I love you mama and I miss you and I'll think about you everyday.

I have decided to start May with a goal in mind. I'm finally starting my exercise routine to exercise on the days I'm not working. :D So far, it's progressing well though it has only been 4 days. Went to Bishan Park to run but I was over-ambitious, thinking I can complete 2 rounds when the last time I ran was close to 2 months ago. Sigh. But still it was a good start today! :)

Anyway, about what I have been up to for the past few weeks since I last posted, I thought I could finally decide which university to go to when NTU throws me something unexpected. They sent me a package and my mum opened it first as I was out at that time and this was how our convo went:

Mum: Steffi! NTU sent you a letter! Guess what it says?
Me: I got a scholarship?
Mum: You got go for the interview meh?
Me: No.
Mum: Then?!?

Haha, guess I was being way over my head. Well, it turns out to be an invitation to join their accelerated bachelor's programme where I graduate in 3.5 years rather than 4. Just like that, I was thrown into another crossroad. On the one hand, if I go to NTU I get to save my parents half a year's worth of tuition fees and do what I like but on the other hand, NTU is damn far and most of my friends are going to NUS. So right now my balance is like money and environment vs distance and friends. Adding on to that, NTU just has to have their tea session regarding the school of biological sciences on the same day as NUS Faculty of Science open house. Seriously, WHYYYYYYYY???? Ugh, I'm so frustrated in having to decide which to go for!

A Month To Remember

This month has been filled with surprises! I finally quit the agency that posted me to MBS. Well, to me I have quited but to them I'm just someone who doesn't reply to their messages, but I couldn't care less. Found a new job with another agency that is definitely more friendly and more fun to work with! On Wednesday, I went for my first job assignment at Sugar and Spice at Labrador Park. It was one of the best places I've worked so far. The staff were very friendly though the manager is damn strict when it comes to service. I'm just glad that I didn't get scolded by him. Whew. I saw him scolding the kitchen prep guy and I felt kinda bad because it wasn't entirely his fault and I admire him for being able to suck it all up. If it was me, it would be a no brainer that I'd cry on the spot and the last thing I wanted was to cry on my first day there. Haha. Other than me spilling on a customer some fish sauce (thank god for her being extremely nice and forgiving me almost instantly, for a moment the thought of being scolded by the manager flashed through my mind and I did not anticipate myself surviving after that), I did pretty decent though it was my first time waitressing at a proper restaurant. I was quite surprised when the perm staff there didn't believe it was my first time waitressing for an F&B outlet. Haha. I take that as a good sign then? :D Well, the manager sad I did okay, so I should take his word for it and he wanted to hire me full time. It's not that I mind but travelling all the way there is kinda tiring. Anyway, he said he would ask the agency first so I leave it as it is.

Yesterday, I did my first volunteer work at J.P Morgan Marathon and it was damn fun! Well, at the beginning it was kinda awkward cause I met up with the girl whom I wasn't on good terms with recently, but I'm happy that we managed to patch things up yesterday! Haha. No more awkward turtles! We gathered at the F1 Pit Garage 6 and i was in awe of the pit. I was amazed by the layout inside though it was kinda empty. But being able to be inside to see the tyre marks and the layout of the pit is like every F1 fan dream come true. It'd be better if the teams and cars were in there but I'm satisfied. 2 years ago, I got the chance to step on the very ground the cars would be parked and saw the lot that Vettle took that year. Haha. This time it's in the pit itself! If it wasn't for the marathon I was running the last time, I would have stopped and ask my parents to take a photo of my standing on the no. 1 grid! Haha. Anyway, made a few friends with some guys from TP and they were a fun batch to hang out with. There were about 4 of them but we needed 3 ppl in a group so we asked them and one of them joined us. I would be lying if I said the start it was not awkward but the process as to how we started talking to each other was kinda funny.

We exchanged names.
*Awkward silence*
Asked to grab ice cream and we did! (MISS THE ICE CREAM FROM THOSE STANDS BY THE ROAD!)
*Awkward silence*
Finally we asked where he was studying and what course and we started bonding from there! We definitely worked well as a team!

Anyway, our role was basically to tag the runners' bags and store them in a truck and to pass it back to the runners at the finishing line. The epic part was the runners would be gathered at the area across the padang and so we were loaded into each truck and driven there. It was quite funny cause all of us sat at the back of the truck like illegal immigrants! Haha. Eventually, my group was assigned to a truck B and everything was set on a route to awesomeness and more fun. The cisco security guy assigned to our team to carry out the spot checks was damn friendly and fun though he looked scary at first. But soon the 4 of us were as close as anyone could be in a day. We laughed together, joked together and worked together. He was nice to help us with the marking of the runners tags and he was the only one out of the rest of the teams that actually helped and joked with us. Kinda sad that we won't be working together again but the friends I made yesterday won't be so easily forgotten. :)

Got my sights set on the next volunteer work at the Sundown Marathon! Hopefully my mum will let me go. :D

I shouldn't say stuff like I will post everyday at this rate cause it won't happen. -.-" So in a blink of a eye, a month has passed since my last post. Well almost. Another month has came and passed and it's down to 4 more months of holiday! Time is seriously passing way too fast. Anyway, a quick update on my life:

1. I finished all my applications for scholarships and uni. currently facing the dilemma of NTU or NUS. Heart is definitely leaning towards NTU. Haha.
2. Started working part time at MBS for the sake of money for my HK trip but it is damn tiring. I think this will be like the one and only period I'll ever work for MBS. Haha.
3. Collected my tickets for CN Blue concert!!! Can't believe it is just 2 more weeks!!! damn excited. hehe.
4. Saw my chem tutor at j8. I seriously couldn't believe my luck when that happened. x.x
5. I finally got my own ATM card!!! Plus a debit card and it's kinda sad to know that I spent $10 using it to make an online payment for a ticket to a bio career fair. This make me sound like a total loser with no life except on my future career. HAHA.

That about sums it up. My life in a month. Haha. Well, based on my last post about a month ago, it's good as saying that we are back to square one. A lot of incidents happened after that, I really said too soon or in this case typed too soon. I have no idea how to mend it back and I have really given up and if given a choice I rather things stay this way. But the problem is, fate seems to think otherwise as she has my hard drive which my brother wants back along with me volunteering with her to help out for some marathon. Seriously steph, what in the world were you thinking?!? I wasn't thinking.

Oh well, in times like these, got to go with the flow then.

Portal Back In Time

I just realised how hard it is to keep blogging everyday since I come home tired and really reluctant to type my day out but if I don't, I think I'll really forget all the little incidents that might have happened. Today was one such incident.

It all started at the beginning of 2013 where we stopped talking ever since I felt like I was a substitute for you whenever you had nobody to go out with. But things changed during results day where we finally started talking again. I had to admit, it was extremely awkward. Thoughts like "What do I say? Where do I start?" actually ran through my mind. I don't think I'll ever tell you that I saw you on the bus. That I knew you were sitting at the front with your friend. That I pretended to look at my phone when you got up. That I stole glances to see if you actually saw me. That we took the bus to the side gate just to avoid you. Truly, I regret what I did and I'll confess that that isn't what a best friend should do.

When you arrived in school, you sat next to me like it was the easiest decision that you had to make and i really did not feel comfortable and I think you knew too. I had no idea what to say, fearing that what I say might hurt you instead. True enough, you started the conversation first and I thought things might not be that bad. After that, I promised that I would text you but I decided to text you on the next day and by like 7pm that day you said you couldn't wait for my text. Haha. Then you started telling me how you were waiting for me to initiate a conversation in the past 2 months then nothing happened.

At that time, I really wanted to go back to time to right my wrong but there will not be some hidden time travel portal that will pop up from my garden. Though I wished there would be one and I would have just forgiven you on the spot and started our usual conversation the week after though I'm pretty sure you will complain a lot but hey, everyone has their weaknesses right?

When you told me how awkward it had become between the both of us, it would be a lie to say that I didn't agree. But being myself, I am always willing to start off the conversation with where we left off and be as open as I was the last time. Though we might not have been talking much, I am pretty much the same person you knew for 2 years. But it did sting when our 2 years of friendship just crumbled when we did not talk for 2 months. I'm sure it will take a while to mend it back and I am hoping it is before you fly off for an overseas uni.

Just when I wished for a portal back in time, I think that opportunity came today. Though it might not have been the literal sense of me going back in time to talk to you in the 2 months, I felt that we really became closer after spending almost an entire day together! I definitely was hesitating about today since it will be kinda awkward especially since the last time I met you was like during results. Today, I can say that we ate good food, talked and laughed a lot! (A side point, I recommend Ippudo Ramen at Mandrine Gallery. It's superb! Go early to avoid the queue! :D) Like a portal back in time, I finally caught up to the present with you and it was as if that 2 months had never occurred. I really did enjoy talking nonsense with you and just sharing very random thoughts that came to my mind. I am really glad that I didn't give this opportunity a miss and neither did you.

Even though a time slip to the past do not exist, I do believe that opportunities to do what you couldn't do in the past really do exist in the form of a "time slip" in the present. As I found out today, for a "time slip" to occur, it must be the person who wishes for it to occur to take a courageous step forward and do what you regretted not doing.



Afterall, why regret not changing the past when you can change the present?