The start of this week hasn't been going extremely well. Heck, I don't even think it can be classified as well. Just 4 years ago, as most of you would know, I attended my grandmother's funeral and that didn't go quite well, mentally at least. And just when I thought that I barely got over it, life throws me another one. This time, I just don't know how to feel anymore. Ask me if I'm sad I'll say yes. Ask me if I'm doing okay I'll say yes. Ask me if I miss her, I'll say yes definitely. But the thing is the tears won't come. Should I take that as a good or bad sign? I'm not too sure anymore. Somehow to me, it's as if I'm refusing to accept the reality that she's gone. In the coffin she sleeps oh so peacefully but the make up and stuff make me hard to believe that that is her.
Long gone is her bright blue eyes, lively and awake that though she may forget things that happened barely 1 hour ago, she still knows who you are. And for me, I'm still the little girl who will play cooking with her while she eats my invisible fried rice. The little girl who asked her how to do chinese homework, with her sitting next to me checking her little chinese dictionary to ensure that I got the right words and my essay makes sense. The little girl who slept next to her, asking her how to speak various words in cantonese and asking her what she had for dinner. The little girl who asked her to watch a korean drama with and till this date I still remember those times clearly.
Long gone were those times but the memories remain fresh in my mind, a simple trigger could result in the flood of memories to come forth but yet no tears will follow. To say I miss her will be an understatement. I miss her terribly. I think what i regret the most would be not being able to see her a few days let alone a month before she passed on. I miss her cheery greetings every morning when I see her. I miss her smile when she sat at the dining table eating dinner or waiting to be pushed back to the room. I miss her small waves of hello and sudden burst of laughter at our jokes. In all, I miss her. It kinds of scare me to know that most of my grandparents are gone and that all I have left is my granddad. But I guess life is like that? It's only a matter of time before it's my siblings and me left.
I guess writing this out does help me sort my feelings out but I think it's mainly to remind me of this day, of my memories with her before I forget what her voice sounded like, what she looked like and what her character was like. Hopefully, her passing becomes my strength and if I do look back at this post, I'll remember how much I've grown and that all along she is watching me from up there. Protecting me and smiling at me. I guess 19 years with my grandmother was the best thing that could have happened to anyone and I'm grateful for it. But most of all, I love you mama and I miss you and I'll think about you everyday.
No comments:
Post a Comment