I wanted to post yesterday. But i guess I was too caught up with things.
Still am though.

I will always remember this march holiday. I still think this is a dream though. I sound like i'm typing a story. Hahaha. Friday the 13th, I wonder if the taboo is really true. I forgot to bring my comb, blouse and some books. And it was the last time I saw my grandmother.

I mean I do see her now, except its in a coffin. I remember the last conversation I had with her. She was telling me how rought my brother was with my sister. Haha. And I said bye to her. I kind of regret not hugging her. Yesterday was a shock to me. And it still is. I was thinking maybe its a nightmare that seems real. But who am I kidding?

7 in the morning, I arrived at my grandparents place. I still remember the position she was in when I reached upstairs. Her eyes were closed as if sleeping, mouth agap. Just that she was paler and colder. She had a bit of foam coming out but it looked like she was sleeping.

Of course I cried. I thought I wouldn't though cause I didn't for my grandfather. But maybe that was cause I wasn't that close to him. I'm kinda happy yet sad. I'm happy that she is finally relieved of her pain and suffering after so long but sad that she went away in the early morning when I wasn't there.

But my grandfather must be in a worse state then I'm in. Imagining waking up to find your wife dead eventhough she was up likce 2 hours ago... So now is the wake. You can never imagine the atmosphere yesterday, people crying, I felt like crap yesterday. And last night I couldn't sleep. Everyime I closed my eyes. I see my grandmother and nostalgia fills me. Hahaha. (So chim like )
But it was true. For the first time, I prayed myself to sleep; willing God to stop my brain from thinking for a moment so that I could sleep.

I really miss her, I really do. And now I'm thinking, what will happen if my grandfather dies? My other grandmother? My mum, dad??? Myself even... Sigh If I feel like this now, what will happen to me on wednesday? When the body is sent for cremation?

I'm really messed up right now. Never will I forget this, Never will I be deleting this.